What Failure Forced Me To Finally Face
Hiding Behind Perfectionism, Yep It's A Trauma Response
By Shaman Isis
Spiritual Teacher | Consciousness Advocate | Lover of Divine Truth
(Emerald green tunic from my eco-collection, Intention :-))
People thought I was nuts back in late 2019. Okay, some people still think I’m nuts because I’m a mystic—but I digress. Just before the holidays that year, my visions and intuition were screaming that the country was about to shut down. It sounded impossible, especially during a time of relative peace. But after I had the same dramatic vision three times—a sign that it was imminent—I started to panic. No one believed me when I said something big was coming that would halt everything. I really needed them to take me seriously.
I had just spent two years learning technical fashion design and developing my sustainable collection, Intention—one of the first American-made eco collections designed specifically for sensitive skin. All that hard work and the funding behind it would be wasted if the production company didn’t hit its deadline.
By the time my vendor and partners realized I had been right, the world was in full meltdown. The production company shut its doors, ignored our calls, and missed our deadline entirely. For months I tried everything—but it was no use. The collection launch was a train wreck. A small fortune was tied up, and I was powerless to fix it.
That was the failure that turned my hair white almost overnight. (See attached photo. 😊) I had hit full-on neurospicy burnout and was teetering on the edge of an identity crisis and total life meltdown.
My titles, my success, and my relentless schedule had kept me from confronting a past filled with strange trauma and personal mistakes. Until that point, every project I touched was calculated for success. Work was the one area of my life that wasn’t a mess. I may have been deeply depressed for over a decade, but I still performed flawlessly at work. It was who I was.
But now, with no fashion collection to promote and no agency to run, I was forced to face my unhappiness—and the guilt and shame that had driven me for over 30 years. My perfectionism, which worked great for my clients, was rooted in deep shame. I had learned to overprove myself. If no one could criticize me, maybe I’d finally be worthy of love.
I had to learn how to love myself. And that was going to take some serious shadow work. It was finally time to face the history I had never spoken aloud.
My spirit guides had been trying to get my attention for years, but I had blocked them out—clinging to the coping mechanisms that once kept me safe, but were now suffocating me. Then came the moment: the country was shutting down. And I finally looked myself in the eye—really looked. I had a long conversation with the woman in the mirror. And with my guides. It was time. I was 50 years old. Well past time.
Healing and learning to love myself changed everything. That “failure” triggered the transformation that would take me from self-loathing to self-actualized. The funny thing about running from your truth is that you can spend a lifetime in pain just to avoid a few years of deep inner work.
But it’s never too late to change your life.
We all make mistakes. We all experience trauma. The real challenge is breaking the behavioral patterns that keep us stuck in pain—repeating the same lessons until the soul loss becomes unbearable. The universe—your higher self, your guides, Source—will keep sending the same experience until you’re ready to grow through it.
(Proof my hair turned white from the stress!)
Authentic happiness comes from that growth. It’s inner peace. Inner joy. Served with a side of shame-less-ness, the absence of shame, and it makes life... delicious.
Our secrets keep us sick.
So, let me ask you:
Is it time to release your old secrets?
Is it time to purge perfectionism?
To heal your history?
To glow the f** up?
On the new episode of GlowUp with Shaman Isis, I talk about the future of farming in America with best-selling author and female farmer, Shelby Watson Hampton
Have a beautiful week.
Love and light,
Cynthia
Shaman Isis
